I messed up.
I text-ed something to the wrong person today and I am not really sure that she believes that it was to the wrong person but I can’t do anything about it I guess.
What else is new?
My life is full of bull like that. I got a letter from another jerk that told me he didn’t want to write to me but only added me to facebook so as not to be rude. Just to clue him in that’s being RUDE!!!
Whatever ya know, I don’t care. I think the big thing that got me this week was the reminder that I am the bottom of the barrel, I will NEVER be on top, and it doesn’t matter ya know.
Neither will my kid, and so it begins. The hurt and heartache for her too…
When someone says “I care”, I hate it. I hate that they say these words yet they don’t show it.
How can these people really care for you? You are their past. You are the person from their past, the little girl they USED to know.
You are the person they make plans with only to break your heart and leave you waiting for hours.
You are the person that they leave crying because they snub their nose at. You are the girl that is never going to be good enough and is just now realizing that.
It hurts to realize this now because you’ve been waiting for so long to be part of something, you will never be.
I’m not trying any more. I’m not a little girl any more.
It doesn’t matter the past is following me still, it will catch me someday. It will finish me someday. It doesn’t even matter any more.
So, when you look back at yesterday, or a week ago. Say you look back at 5 or 10 years ago, and you don’t know what to do with the information that swamps your head.
The overwhelming sum of bad memories and bull shit that should never have happened to anyone, but did happen, and it happened to you. What would you do?
The only redeeming feature of all of this is perhaps a few good friends, at the time, that helped me get through it all. Right now, I just want to forget it, but I can’t. It keeps cropping up and kicking me in the ass.
The most amusing part of all of this is I believe that I have come to the realization that I never really mattered to anyone.
I just forced my way in because I didn’t want to end it all.
I was just not looking for that way out. I think that the truth of the matter is, if I fell of the earth today, there is a very select few family members who would really care.
What I hate the most is that people just can’t be honest and say to your face that they don’t like you or some other thing like that. Instead they string you along and bullshit you until you feel like you are worthless.
Well I know where I belong, the bottom of everyone’s to do list. I am the one everyone is late to see, or last to get in touch with.
I am the one that stands around while you chat with your friends and never gets introduced to them because I’m not good enough.
I’m the one the used to be something to you, just coming along for the ride right now, God knows why.
Nikelback says it best
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
I am the afterthought…
